We don't even have seagulls, which is what posh incomers are called in Wiltshire because they go around shrieking "Eee-ow" when they see the views. What we do have is Aga louts. Aga louts are usually townies who are consultants or press officers and can only afford £500,000 for their slice of rural bliss. ?That puts a different complexion on things.I remember now.I may have done something.I may have done something which could very well be seen as wrong.I may have done something very wrong indeed.I therefore tender my resignation.It is with a very heavy heart...Reluctantly...I am going to do the honourable thing.I am going to spend more time with my family.Whether they want me to or not.I would like to pay tribute to my wife.Who is right behind me.Or was, when I last looked.I would like to pay tribute to my colleagues.I would like to thank the police, who have been so very efficient.I would like to thank the caterers, the bar staff and the security people.It is time for me to move on.It is time for this chapter of my life to draw to an end.It is time to draw a line under things.But I shall be back.You have not seen the last of me.You do not get rid of me so easily.Revenge is mine, saith the Lord.I will smite you all.I will scatter you as dust.I shall do a George Galloway on you.I shall come among you with a sharp sword and wreak vengeance!!!...Come along, sir.Come quietly.There you are, sir.Nice and easy, does it.Right, take him away, Alf.Just give him a small sedative, I think.There you go, sir.Out like a light.Good night.Sleep tight More from Miles Kington. I think maybe it is time for another lesson in my irregular language series, "Teaching English As A Third, Fourth or Fifth Language", in which I bring you the rich storehouse of phrases which English has up its sleeve to describe a single situation. So here is a list of the phrases you might well hear when a resignation is in the air... I am considering my position carefully.You are considering my position carefully.The media are considering my position very carefully indeed.Everyone seems to spend all their time considering my position very carefully.Let them.See if I care.My conscience is clear.I have the management's full confidence.I have done nothing wrong.I cannot see that I have done anything wrong.I had no idea that I was doing anything wrong.I may have done something wrong.My department did something wrong.There is something rotten in the state of Denmark.But it is nothing to do with me.I was not in Denmark at the time.I was absent on leave.This is not a resigning matter.I shall brazen it out.I shall be there when the dust settles.I shall stand firm.This is a matter of principle.I stand by my belief.My belief is that you have no evidence of any wrong-doing on my part.You do have evidence of my wrong-doing?Ah.I did not know that.Incriminating emails.. ?Incautious phone calls.. ?And incontrovertibly guilty letters...
When Malcolm Rifkind told us yesterday that David Blunkett should consider his position carefully, it must have puzzled a lot of students of English. What they might not have realised was that what Rifkind was saying was that Blunkett should jack in his job - students of English may not have known this because the way English works is for us not to say what we really mean. The real reason why his more grave misdemeanours have gone unnoticed is that many people have been so discomfited by Blunkett's endless public humiliation that they have been studiously looking the other way. More from Deborah Orr. One or two of these commentators (with unflinching, outspoken honesty, they no doubt are sure) are now suggesting it is because Blunkett is blind, and therefore a beneficiary of positive discrimination.
Stephen Glover, the media commentator, and Helen Martin, the Scotsman columnist, are two people who have argued that Blunkett has been magically protected by his disability They are deluded. In fact, the relentless pursuit of Blind-Blunkett-the-Unlikely-Lothario as a figure of fun, has been intimately connected to his condition. No end of innuendo about sex and sightlessness has been traded at this man's expense. Yesterday the path was cleared by the Competition Commission for bids to be put in for the London Stock Exchange - though with some conditions that may put bidders off. A day earlier the Spanish telephone group agreed to buy O2, the mobile phone operator founded by British Telecom, leaving Vodafone the only British-owned mobile service in the UK. More from Hamish McRae.